Post Partum Ponderings

Well, it's been 10 weeks since I had Teylie.  I struggle alot during the postpartum stage.  I hate my body, it's so fat and none of my clothes fit.  I'm heavier than before the pregnancy, which is frustrating since I worked out 3-5x a week up until the 34th week, and ate well for the most part.  I am not the type of woman who loses weight easily, and breastfeeding doesn't help.  I am also still trying to sort out my day, on top of schooling 4 kids, nursing a baby, trying to corral 2 small children, and keeping my house clean.  I'm worn thin, let me tell you. (I have been staying on top of the bathrooms, at least!  And my darling husband has been doing the laundry until I get house and school pretty much under control. {can it ever be under control with 7 kids??})

My mom-in-love (and Dad) moved away from us, which is very hard.  They lived just down the road so not having them so close is taking alot of getting used to.  I'm trying not to cry every time I think about it. We saw them every Sunday at church, and every Wednesday for Pioneer Club when they were at Prayer Meeting.  So, going from that to only seeing them once a month or so is really difficult for both me and the kids.

We have FINALLY gotten back into a school routine!!  I think we're on track to finish school by June this year!!  I do some school during the summer as my kids need it so the transition back into full time school isn't SO hard.  Liam is doing school about 2-3 days a week, so he'll do some during summer, too.  Ronan is begging to do school, so I think we may try Kindergarten in the fall with him. He turns 5 in December.

I've been brainstorming some ideas for more posts, so stay tuned!!

I really appreciate the understanding you all have as I cannot blog all the time. 

She is Here!

Well, I know it's been a while, I'm sorry about that.  We have been so SUPER busy this last month!

Teylie Robin arrived on November 30, at 5:45pm, weighing 6lbs. 12oz. and measuring 19in.  Our church put on a baby shower for us, and we were unable to make it as it started at 6:30pm the day she was born!  I went to see my midwife the day before and was admitted.  Even though she was slightly early, she had no need to be in the NICU.  We stayed for 2 days and then were discharged.  Teylie was showered with love by all 6 of her siblings. 

We had a great Christmas with the family! My older brother came up from FL to visit and it was good to catch up with him.

Our family had a good 2017...I cannot wait to see what the Lord has in store for us in 2018!

I'm Back!

So, I finally got a new laptop!! I budgeted one in this week, and found a nice one for a great price!  I bought and returned 2 devices in 2 days...before finally finding the right one!! (the Walmart electronics guy had no idea what he was talking about, and I ended up buying another tablet...which is considered a mobile device.  The Chromebook I got at Target isn't compatible with most coupon printing software...so I couldn't use it for the very reason I bought it in the first place!!!)  I ended up getting an HP with Windows 10, and I am loving it so far!

This means that I can now post blog posts with pictures and all kinds of other nice things again!! So stay tuned! Thanksgiving is coming up, and our baby's birth looks like it will be in the near future.

Our newest Baby Sortwell

I posted about our 20 week ultrasound that showed we are expecting a girl.  We have finally figured out her name!!!  Now, it took us a while because we had a first name, but the middle name we had chosen just wasn't working with it.  Our brother's first wife's name was Kaeli Ann...and we discovered she kept his last name (Sortwell).  She isn't a very nice person, so we didn't want our daughter's name to be SO close to hers.  But we were pretty set on the first name.  In order to make it work we decided to go with my mother-in-law's  name, Robin.  So, our daughter's name is...

Teylie Robin Sortwell

Our Newest Baby

This week I am officially at the halfway point in this pregnancy!!  And yesterday was my mid-term anatomy ultrasound.  I was able to drop my oldest 5 kids at a friend's house, and my mother-in-law, mom, and youngest went to the doctor's office. 

What I love about the place I'm going to is that the neonatologist I am under (while being seen by midwives) does my ultrasounds.  He is the formost 4D ultrasound doctor in the area, so he does things quickly and efficiently.  What used to take me an hour with the tech at the other place took 20 minutes with him!  He also asked if we were finding out the gender, to which I said "YES"!! 

I had this feeling I am carrying a girl, although at my last check up the heartbeat was 140-150s which is what my boys were, so I waivered a little.  But the past week I felt a strong girl 'vibe'. 

He checked my cervix to see if there was a change indicating preterm labor.  Everything looks great and sealed tightly shut!  So then, he went straight to the reason I was so excited.  He asked me first, "What do you think you're having."  and I said, "I think it's a girl."  He took a look and said,

"Looks like the girls have it!  It's a girl!"

Fionna is just over the moon excited to be getting another sister.  Kayson was super disappointed at first, but today he is feeling much better about it. 

Now, Bram and I need to find the perfect name for our little girl! All we know right now is her middle name will be "Ann" after his Nana Brow.  (his Nana Jones' middle name is "Anna" which is pretty cool!) 

She was shy.

Milestones

Well, we made it past 10 weeks!!  Darcy was miscarried at exactly 10 weeks, so I was nervous as we approached week 10 with Sparky Nugget (as my kids call the new baby.)!  I had a midwife appointment this past Wednesday, and Libby used the Doppler to try to find a heartbeat.  It took about 5-7 minutes, but we finally heard the "thwump-thwump" of a heartbeat!  I unexpectedly teared up.  It was such a beautiful sound!  Libby understood, and said, "At least they are happy tears!" 

I have the mid pregnancy anatomy scan with the neonatalogist in August when we are at 19 weeks.  I am SO excited to find out if we will be having a girl or a boy!  We do have some names picked out, but are undecided between 2 boy names and 2 girl names.  We do know that if Sparky is a girl, her middle name will be "Ann,"  after my husband's Nana Brow.  Since this is the 500th anniversary of the Reformation, I thought it'd be cool/fitting to use the middle name "Luther" if it's a boy...after the man who started the Reformation by nailing his 95 Theses to the doors of the church in 1517. 

I Love Food!

Ok, so...I have to confess...I LOVE FOOD!!!  Pretty much all of the bad things like donuts, pizza, burgers, fries, cheese, cupcakes, cheesecake, etc.  are what I love.  Food tastes amazing, and when I'm stressed, it makes me feel better. (mentally...physically, if I eat too much, I do NOT feel good.)  And with a love of food comes the yo-yo weight gain/loss.  I hate that!!  I'd rather see the scale moving down...not up and down. 

So far, this pregnancy, I haven't gained anything.  I lost 2lbs., actually.  But I have been eating horribly...as in, burgers, chips, mac 'n cheese, and what not.  It's bad...

So, I've decided to do my best to cut out sugar and bad fats...basically THM but with a ton more grace and understanding. (plus, this pregnant mama wants her Sweet BBQ Bacon burger from McDonalds every once in a while!!) 

Tonight, I'm making THM Lemon Bars which I will review in the coming days/week.  I also plan on making more THM dinners, which the kids and the hubs like.  I also bought some Halo Top ice cream in Salted Caramel and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.  Hopefully I will maintain a  healthy diet throughout the pregnancy!!

 

Our Newest Baby!

Yesterday, I woke up and I was bleeding.  I panicked immediately, and scheduled an ultrasound with my midwife's office.  Turns out I have my usual subchorionic bleed...that normally resolves itself around 7-8 weeks.  I am SO relieved!!  I did get 2 pictures of our new baby!  There isn't much to see, as I am only 6 weeks, and baby is the size of a sweet pea.

Baby Sortwell #8!

Determined to Stay Active

I am resolved.  No excuses.  I WILL maintain an active pregnancy.

I always say I'm going to keep up with exercises and workouts during my pregnancies...and then promptly use the fatigue, the aches, the pains to excuse my laziness.  Well, not this time!  I'm currently at my lowest starting pregnancy weight since Fionna (I was 130lbs. when I got pregnant with her...)  at 167.  I want to keep that, and maybe lower it.  At the most, I don't want to gain a ton more.  I only gained 7lbs. with Winry so I know it can be done!!

So, what's my plan??

1.  I will stick to a healthy diet.

I will mostly stick to a Trim Healthy Mama diet with graces given for times I just slip or knowingly go off plan.  I'll be watching calories and counting macros to some degree.  I will make sure I'm getting the right amount of protein.  I'll be making better choices.

2.  I will actually workout.

I've found several pregnancy weightlifting programs that I want to follow.  Of course, no super heavy weights, but since I was already doing that prior to getting pregnant, I can still do it during.  I also will still be doing my Zumba, PiYo, and RIPPED classes when I can.  I thoroughly enjoy jogging in the summer, and cannot wait to start back up soon!

3.  I will listen to my body.

With all exercising, you must listen to your body.  If it feels uncomfortable, check your form.  If it causes issues afterwards, lighten your weights/shorten your reps.  Knowing what your body can handle is great for preventing injury.  Listening also means, if you're craving something, eat it.  It's ok if it's not the healthiest...just have it once.  If you crave it all of the time, maybe try finding a healthier alternative.  I'm currently craving jalapenos...which are pretty healthy...so that's a plus!

I am determined to remain active and healthy throughout this pregnancy.  I enjoy working out, and being active, and that can make a pregnancy pretty enjoyable, too.   

A Rainbow of Hope...and Fear

After the Great Flood in Genesis, God put a rainbow up in the sky, to show His promise to the earth.  Today, whenever we see a rainbow, it reminds us of God's promises, and that He never breaks them.  It gives us hope, knowing we are loved by a God who keeps his covenants with His people.

A miscarriage is one of the biggest storms a family can go through.  It has dark, dark days.  The sun never seems to shine.  All is despairing and gloomy.  And sometimes God sends a rainbow.  A Rainbow Baby is a baby conceived after a loss...whether that loss is a miscarriage, still birth, or newborn death.  It is the beauty after the storm.

Last week, during our flu escapade that lasted 5 days, we found out we are expecting again.  Seeing those 2 pink lines gave me such mixed emotions!  I was elated, excited, and surprised.  And with that came the fear. 
"What if I lose this one, too?"

God is in control over all things.  And He loves and cares for me and my children both living and in heaven.  If He chooses to take this child to be with Him in heaven, then that is His will.  I have comfort and joy knowing that I will see my children again in heaven someday.  And if He mercifully allows this child to remain on this earth, we will love and cherish him and raise him up to love the Lord. 

Everyday brings joy knowing there's a little life inside of me.  Some days I have mini panic attacks that wash over me like a wave.  I have to calm myself down.  Pray.  Beg God to give me His peace.  I know it's normal to be hyper-aware of every twinge, every cramp, every strange feeling after a miscarriage.  I am trying my best to trust in the Lord and give my cares, my baby, into His loving arms.

So, here we go again!

 Baby Sortwell #8 is on it's way!

Honest Thoughts on Miscarriage...

Going through a miscarriage is awful.  It's been 5 months since our baby went to heaven, and it feels like it was yesterday.  Here are some of the things I've been feeling...

1.  How many kids do I tell people I have?

I have 7 children.  But normally, people don't talk about the dead.  My dilemma is that to not include Darcy in my child count feels like I'm saying he/she wasn't a child.  So, most of the time, I say I have 6 kids and 1 in heaven. 

2.  Why do people ask if we are done having kids?

It's like, "oh your baby died, so you're done now, right?"  Or maybe it's because we have 6 living children and people think that's 4 too many.  I'm not sure what makes people ask us that.  I am not sure how I feel about it, either.  I'm used to it as people asked us this before we lost our baby.  *shrug*

3.  Do I want to get pregnant again?

I've been struggling with this one alot lately.  Some days I feel like my depression would lessen if I got pregnant soon.  And then I think that if I did get pregnant, I'd worry and freak at every little thing. I guess we'll get to that if God gives us another one.

4.  It hurts when friends have babies/announce pregnancies

I'm not going to lie...it hurts alot when friends have their babies or announce their pregnancies.  Not because I'm jealous, or because I'm not happy for them...but because it is just something that I'm supposed to be experiencing right now, and I'm not.  My sister is overdue with my niece at this very moment, and I am so super excited for her arrival!  

5.  Church is hard.

Sundays are mixed emotion days for me.  I love to sit in my Dad's class about the Covenants!  Service is different, because I'm surrounded by moms and newborns and it occasionally overwhelms me.  

6.  It has brought my faith into focus.

I have never needed the Lord as much as I do now.  (well, I have always needed the Lord, but you know what I mean.)  Honestly, I would probably be unable to function if I wasn't a child of God.  I have my bad days, but I know that He is and will always be there for me.  He has used music as a way of healing for me.  (I've always been a music person.)  A few songs that help me on the bad days are:   Thy Will by Hillary Scott, Trust in You by Lauren Daigle, and Eye of the Storm by Ryan Stevenson.  Thy Will was written by Hillary Scott after she had a miscarriage, so that one is especially dear to me.

Struggling Through Pain

Well, it happened.  The thing I had been dreading since we lost our little Darcy exactly 2 months ago.  My sweet friend "B"  from church had her baby last week.  I went to our monthly Mom's Bible Study last night and was shocked when I saw the baby!  I hadn't heard that she had had her baby.  The newborn was so beautiful, so perfect!

After our study was done, the baby was being passed around.  I asked to hold her, since I just LOVE babies!  I didn't think I would get as emotional as I did.  My other friend "S" who has miscarried as well,  was standing in front of me, and I think she saw me starting to get overwhelmed with the emotions.

I just lost it.  The tears started falling down my face, and I just couldn't hold it in.  My friend "S"hugged me.  I looked at "B", and said, "I'm sorry!  She is just so beautiful!"

The pain of knowing I would never hold MY baby just came over me.  It wasn't because I resented my friend for having a baby.  It wasn't that I hated the little baby for being there.  It was because even though my arms held a baby, I felt an overwhelming emptiness. 

The best thing that happened was that I felt so loved my all of the moms there.  I didn't feel like they were judging me.  I didn't feel like I had put any of them out.  They loved me, and understood why I was crying.  And my friend "S" had an even deeper understanding because she had gone through the same loss as I had.

I bawled the whole 30 minute drive home.  I was starving, and had originally planned on stopping for food, but I was afraid I'd lose it in the drive thru, and just wanted to get home to my husband.  I got home, found Bram in the living room, and just cried into his chest.  He didn't know why I was crying, but he just held me.  After I had taken a breath;  I told him why, and he hugged me closer and just let me cry.

I'm sure it gets better.  I've heard so many moms who have miscarried say that.  But it has only been 2 months for me.  Election Day (Nov. 8) was the day we were supposed to find out if our baby was a boy or a girl.  It is still fresh and raw in my mind and heart.  It doesn't help that the kids talk about Darcy ALL OF THE TIME, including to random strangers while out and about ("our baby died.").  I know they loved her, and were so heartbroken when she died;  but Mommy would prefer that she wouldn't have to explain her miscarriage to everyone.  F is constantly saying, "We need another baby.  You need another baby in your tummy, Mama!"  I'm sure in years to come it won't be so difficult. 

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."  ~ Psalm 147:3

Leaning on Him Through the Difficult Days Ahead

With broken hearts, we have to tell you all that our precious 7th baby was taken up to heaven to be with God.

I had some bleeding and pain in church on Sunday, and by 9:00pm, I had miscarried.  I cannot tell you how heartbreaking it was.  How painful, physically and emotionally, it is to birth your child that is no bigger than a prune.  We have chosen the name, Darcy Bubbles, as her name.  Our older children are convinced it was a girl, and deep down, I feel she was a girl as well.  I was surrounded by my wonderful Mother-in-law, Husband, and loving Parents throughout the process; and had a beautiful visit from my amazing friend, Janelle.

I ended up being kept in the hospital overnight due to a continued allergic reaction to the pain med they had me on.  I passed out once.  I was able to go home the next afternoon.  I am still in a lot of pain; taking pain meds every 4 hours.

The hardest part was having to tell my super-excited children that Bubbles was not coming home;  that she is in heaven with Jesus.  They were devastated.  They loved Darcy SO SO much, and were looking forward to meeting her and loving on her.

We were able to take her body home, and we will bury her with us.  My husband found a beautiful headstone for our little Darcy.

We know heaven is a better place for Darcy.  We know that the Lord had a reason, a purpose for taking Darcy so soon.  He loves Darcy just as much as we do.  This was not a punishment for something we did.  This was not a twisted joke He decided to play on us.  He made a covenant with Bram and I when we became a family, and He tells us that that covenant extends to our children.  We have hope and faith that when our time comes, we will see our little Darcy again.  What a day of rejoicing that will be!

Pregnancy Funnies

This pregnancy has gone off with a bang!  The cravings and nausea hit about a week and half after I found out "Bubbles" was on her way.  I am daily craving KFC's Mashed Potatoes and Gravy.  Like, ALL DAY EVERY DAY crave.  And today I started craving Ritz Crackers. 

With Fionna, I craved Pickles and Cheesecake. 

With Tiernan, I craved Baked Beans.

With Kayson, I craved Chinese Food (which is weird because I hated Chinese food.)

With Liam, I craved Fruit.

With Ronan, I craved Subway Pizza Subs.

With Winry, I craved Blueberries and Cream Cheese.

So, I wonder what else I'll crave this pregnancy.  For my nausea, my midwife gave me a new medication that is specially formulated for pregnant women.  It's called Diclegis, and is a high dose of vitamin B6 and the main ingredient in Unisom.  It works great!

I also get to see a new midwife, Libby, who has joined Mary and AnneMarie on the Women's Specialty Care midwife team!  I was SO happy with the midwives last time, and I am REALLY, REALLY hoping one of them can be there for the actual birth.  (None of the midwives was on call the morning Winry was born...although I am highly suspicious that the OB didn't even bother calling the midwives because none of them knew I had even given birth!) 

Major Happenings!!

Wow!  So many things have been going on over here!!

1.  The most important news is that

WE ARE EXPECTING #7!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

WHAT???  Yes, you read that right.  I am pregnant once again.  It was a complete shock, only discovered when I took a pregnancy test in preparation for a midwife visit for ovarian pain.  We are thrilled, albeit somewhat nervous. 

2.  We are getting ready to start our second year of homeschool! 

Which means lots of planning, making lists, and making sure we have everything we need from our curriculum. I still have to get K's kindergarten workbooks, but other than that and a few other necessities, we are mostly set! 

3.  My 8-month-old is crawling!

That means she is getting into lots of trouble!  Having 5 older siblings also helps with that, unfortunately.  But it is so much fun to watch her explore and discover new things.  Her favorite thing to do now is eat yogurt snacks. 

4.  My husband and I are getting ready to celebrate 8 years of marriage!

I can't believe it's been 8 years since I vowed to love, honor, and obey this amazing man.  I pray God gives me 80 more years with my beloved.  

What fun/important things are happening in your life?  Please share below!