A Rainbow of Hope...and Fear

After the Great Flood in Genesis, God put a rainbow up in the sky, to show His promise to the earth.  Today, whenever we see a rainbow, it reminds us of God's promises, and that He never breaks them.  It gives us hope, knowing we are loved by a God who keeps his covenants with His people.

A miscarriage is one of the biggest storms a family can go through.  It has dark, dark days.  The sun never seems to shine.  All is despairing and gloomy.  And sometimes God sends a rainbow.  A Rainbow Baby is a baby conceived after a loss...whether that loss is a miscarriage, still birth, or newborn death.  It is the beauty after the storm.

Last week, during our flu escapade that lasted 5 days, we found out we are expecting again.  Seeing those 2 pink lines gave me such mixed emotions!  I was elated, excited, and surprised.  And with that came the fear. 
"What if I lose this one, too?"

God is in control over all things.  And He loves and cares for me and my children both living and in heaven.  If He chooses to take this child to be with Him in heaven, then that is His will.  I have comfort and joy knowing that I will see my children again in heaven someday.  And if He mercifully allows this child to remain on this earth, we will love and cherish him and raise him up to love the Lord. 

Everyday brings joy knowing there's a little life inside of me.  Some days I have mini panic attacks that wash over me like a wave.  I have to calm myself down.  Pray.  Beg God to give me His peace.  I know it's normal to be hyper-aware of every twinge, every cramp, every strange feeling after a miscarriage.  I am trying my best to trust in the Lord and give my cares, my baby, into His loving arms.

So, here we go again!

 Baby Sortwell #8 is on it's way!

Honest Thoughts on Miscarriage...

Going through a miscarriage is awful.  It's been 5 months since our baby went to heaven, and it feels like it was yesterday.  Here are some of the things I've been feeling...

1.  How many kids do I tell people I have?

I have 7 children.  But normally, people don't talk about the dead.  My dilemma is that to not include Darcy in my child count feels like I'm saying he/she wasn't a child.  So, most of the time, I say I have 6 kids and 1 in heaven. 

2.  Why do people ask if we are done having kids?

It's like, "oh your baby died, so you're done now, right?"  Or maybe it's because we have 6 living children and people think that's 4 too many.  I'm not sure what makes people ask us that.  I am not sure how I feel about it, either.  I'm used to it as people asked us this before we lost our baby.  *shrug*

3.  Do I want to get pregnant again?

I've been struggling with this one alot lately.  Some days I feel like my depression would lessen if I got pregnant soon.  And then I think that if I did get pregnant, I'd worry and freak at every little thing. I guess we'll get to that if God gives us another one.

4.  It hurts when friends have babies/announce pregnancies

I'm not going to lie...it hurts alot when friends have their babies or announce their pregnancies.  Not because I'm jealous, or because I'm not happy for them...but because it is just something that I'm supposed to be experiencing right now, and I'm not.  My sister is overdue with my niece at this very moment, and I am so super excited for her arrival!  

5.  Church is hard.

Sundays are mixed emotion days for me.  I love to sit in my Dad's class about the Covenants!  Service is different, because I'm surrounded by moms and newborns and it occasionally overwhelms me.  

6.  It has brought my faith into focus.

I have never needed the Lord as much as I do now.  (well, I have always needed the Lord, but you know what I mean.)  Honestly, I would probably be unable to function if I wasn't a child of God.  I have my bad days, but I know that He is and will always be there for me.  He has used music as a way of healing for me.  (I've always been a music person.)  A few songs that help me on the bad days are:   Thy Will by Hillary Scott, Trust in You by Lauren Daigle, and Eye of the Storm by Ryan Stevenson.  Thy Will was written by Hillary Scott after she had a miscarriage, so that one is especially dear to me.

Trying New Things

Lately, I've been getting out of my comfort zone and trying new things!

I've posted quite a few pictures of my crochet work in a few crochet groups I'm in on Facebook.  I've had several ladies ask me to do video tutorials and post them on YouTube!  I did 2 videos before, but they were mostly for a few Facebook friends that crochet.  So, I'm working on one now.

I discovered silicone wedding bands.  I.  Love.  Them!  So comfortable, they don't pinch when you're using dumbells or kettlebells, and they don't get wear and tear like metal rings.  I recently had my engagement ring resized, and in the process, the band part got flattened and thinnned, although I don't understand why...because I got it a size smaller.  Anyway, they are great!  I tried a Qalo, but it was too big, and really expensive.  I found another brand called RAAZOS on Amazon.  You can get 4 bands for $12!

  
It's a new year, and I can't wait to see what God does for us in 2017! 

What I'm Thankful For This Year

It's Thanksgiving!  The day of the year where we gather with family and friends and thank God for all of the blessings He has given us in the past year.  So, here are the things I'm thankful for this year.

1.  My God

2.  My Faith

3.  My Husband (Bram)

4.  My Children (& our dog, Dixon)

5.  My Family

6.  My Friends

7.  My Job (wife & mother)

8.  My Hobby (crochet)

9.  My Health (even though it's been rough)

10.  My Blog Readers

I hope you all had a blessed Thanksgiving!  

Growing in My Faith

In my first week of starting this blog, I talked about my faith.  I was raised Baptist, and am now a Reformed Presbyterian.  I attend an OPC (Orthodox Presbyterian Church) called New Hope Presbyterian. We have been attending this church for about 2.5 months now.  I cannot tell you what a blessing this church has been to me and my family!

I recently realized that in the short time we have been going to New Hope, I have been growing in my faith!  I actually purchased 2 theology books I am interested in reading!!  (Those who know me, know that I am not really theologically minded.)  I am wanting to have a deeper understanding of the doctrines I believe in, so I can explain it well to others.

Being raised Baptist, and then becoming a Reformed Presbyterian is quite a change.  My parents and brothers consider themselves to be Reformed Baptists, so as you can imagine...there are some intense debates on certain theological topics.

I recently have discovered that my heart longs to evangelize.  Our Sunday School lessons are about relational evangelism...or personal evangelism.  That means sharing the Gospel on a daily basis with others, by the way we live, conduct ourselves in public, and how we share God's truths with them.  Having 6 children so close in age lends itself to numerous opportunities to share the Gospel with people.  It greatly helps me, because in the back of my mind, I am always thinking, "Keep smiling, Don't lose your temper, Be a testimony to others."  as I shop with the kids.

I have also been working on bringing the Gospel to my children.  I think Christian moms forget sometimes that we are to be evangelizing to our children, as well as to the unsaved world.  Our children need to hear the Gospel;  need to know what God has done for them.  It does my heart good to hear my children randomly singing hymns and praise songs they have heard in church or on the radio!  I have also been buying good Christian books to read to them before bed.  They love those!

I can feel and see myself growing in my faith, and I am so excited to see what God has for me to learn in the future!

Leaning on Him Through the Difficult Days Ahead

With broken hearts, we have to tell you all that our precious 7th baby was taken up to heaven to be with God.

I had some bleeding and pain in church on Sunday, and by 9:00pm, I had miscarried.  I cannot tell you how heartbreaking it was.  How painful, physically and emotionally, it is to birth your child that is no bigger than a prune.  We have chosen the name, Darcy Bubbles, as her name.  Our older children are convinced it was a girl, and deep down, I feel she was a girl as well.  I was surrounded by my wonderful Mother-in-law, Husband, and loving Parents throughout the process; and had a beautiful visit from my amazing friend, Janelle.

I ended up being kept in the hospital overnight due to a continued allergic reaction to the pain med they had me on.  I passed out once.  I was able to go home the next afternoon.  I am still in a lot of pain; taking pain meds every 4 hours.

The hardest part was having to tell my super-excited children that Bubbles was not coming home;  that she is in heaven with Jesus.  They were devastated.  They loved Darcy SO SO much, and were looking forward to meeting her and loving on her.

We were able to take her body home, and we will bury her with us.  My husband found a beautiful headstone for our little Darcy.

We know heaven is a better place for Darcy.  We know that the Lord had a reason, a purpose for taking Darcy so soon.  He loves Darcy just as much as we do.  This was not a punishment for something we did.  This was not a twisted joke He decided to play on us.  He made a covenant with Bram and I when we became a family, and He tells us that that covenant extends to our children.  We have hope and faith that when our time comes, we will see our little Darcy again.  What a day of rejoicing that will be!

Major Happenings!!

Wow!  So many things have been going on over here!!

1.  The most important news is that

WE ARE EXPECTING #7!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

WHAT???  Yes, you read that right.  I am pregnant once again.  It was a complete shock, only discovered when I took a pregnancy test in preparation for a midwife visit for ovarian pain.  We are thrilled, albeit somewhat nervous. 

2.  We are getting ready to start our second year of homeschool! 

Which means lots of planning, making lists, and making sure we have everything we need from our curriculum. I still have to get K's kindergarten workbooks, but other than that and a few other necessities, we are mostly set! 

3.  My 8-month-old is crawling!

That means she is getting into lots of trouble!  Having 5 older siblings also helps with that, unfortunately.  But it is so much fun to watch her explore and discover new things.  Her favorite thing to do now is eat yogurt snacks. 

4.  My husband and I are getting ready to celebrate 8 years of marriage!

I can't believe it's been 8 years since I vowed to love, honor, and obey this amazing man.  I pray God gives me 80 more years with my beloved.  

What fun/important things are happening in your life?  Please share below! 

WCW: Women of Faith Series #2

Today we are going to be learning about Idelette Calvin, wife of reformer John Calvin.

Idelette married Calvin after becoming a widow. He asked friends to find him a wife who was, "chaste, obliging, not fastidious, economical, patient, and careful for (his) health".  She bore a son and a few daughters but they all died in infancy.  She was instrumental in tending to his many illnesses so that he could further his reforming work in the church.  She tended the sick and welcomed those running for their lives because of their faith into her home.  She survived the Plague, but died after enduring a long illness in 1549.  She praised her Lord and Savior on her deathbed.  She said,"O God of Abraham, and of all our fathers, in thee have the faithful trusted during so many past ages, and none of them have trusted in vain. I also will hope".

*Quotes come from this website:  Christian Classics Ethereal Library

My Top 10 Books for Wives and Mothers

I'm sharing with you all my top 10 mommy/wifey books I absolutely LOVE and recommend!  I have a TON of these books, and each one is unique in it's own way, opening my eyes further to the truths of motherhood/wife-hood like never before.  So, here they are:

1.  Desperate:  Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe ~ Sarah Mae & Sally Clarkson

 I needed this book so much after my 4th baby was born!  It is so beautiful, so true, and so uplifting.  (There is an accompanying DVD as well.)  It's a refreshing read when you're just feeling so overwhelmed with motherhood.

2.  Having a Martha Home the Mary Way ~ Sarah Mae

 Oh, Sarah Mae!  She gets me.  She speaks to my heart.  This book is fabulous!  I love that at the end of every chapter there is a Martha challenge, and a Mary challenge.  It speaks to the spiritual and homemaking aspect of our lives. 

3. The Excellent Wife ~ Martha Peace

 This was the very first wifey book I ever read.  I read it cover to cover every single year.  It has such wisdom in it!  My mother-in-law, sister-in-law, friend and SIL's mother did a Bible Study on this book many years ago (when I was pregnant with my second!)

4.  Idol Lies ~ Dee Brestin

I had the priviledge of hearing Dee speak at a women's conference this past April.  She has such heart for women and ministering to them!  Sometimes we can have idols in our hearts we aren't even aware of, and this book brings them to light. (This isn't exactly a mommy/wifey book, but a Christian womanhood book.)  

5.  Mission of Motherhood ~ Sally Clarkson

God has blessed Sally with the ability to speak His truth about motherhood so eloquently!  I  hung upon every word in this book.  It really opened my eyes to what my goal as a mother should be.

6.  Ministry of Motherhood ~ Sally Clarkson

How do we minister to our children?  Pick up this wonderful book and read the truths spoken within it's pages.  Sally becomes your mentor, your spiritual mother while you read.

7.  Longing for Paris ~ Sarah Mae

This was the book that woke me up.  It resonated deep within my soul.  Sarah's words are so raw, so real.  It's ok to dream, but we must never let those dreams steal our joy and contentment with the life God has blessed us with in the here and now.

8.  Own Your Life ~ Sally Clarkson

I am owning my life, owning my faith thanks to this beautiful book!  It has stirred my soul and created a yearning for God's Word in my heart! 

9.  The Life-Giving Home ~ Sally Clarkson & Sarah Clarkson

This book has made me rethink the workings of my home, and how I run it.  I'm still learning, but I know now that I want my home to be a life-giving home that helps my husband and children thrive.

10.  The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex ~ Sheila Wray Gregoire

Now, you may be a tad shocked at this last book, but I'm telling you...it's a fabulous one! I came into my marriage timid, shy, and pretty much completely uneducated in the sexual realm of married life.  I thought sex was scary, rather nasty, and something naughty.  I was NOT sexy for my hubby AT ALL.  Reading this book opened my eyes to the beauty of marital intimacy.  It is good, it is blessed of God!  Just think:  Your husband is the ONLY man you will EVER have sex with the rest of your life...makes sure it's the greatest fun you'll ever have.

*You can find all of these amazing women on their websites here:  Sarah Mae, Sally Clarkson, Dee Brestin, Sheila Wray Gregoire, Martha Peace.

#WCW: Susanna Wesley (Women of Faith series, #1)

Susanna Wesley

Susanna Wesley was the mother John and Charles Wesley.  She and her husband, Samuel had 19 children, 9 of which lived to adulthood.   She was an amazing woman, who homeschooled her children and had great faith.  She had 16 House Rules that she ruled her house with. You can see them listed at Raising Godly Children.


We can use Susanna as a godly role model for motherhood.  She homeschooled her 9 living children.  She raised them in the fear and admonition of the Lord.  Her sons became great preachers.  She lived for Christ, and instilled her faith in every aspect of her life.  We must be diligent about doing the same in our lives.  Our children must see our faith being lived in us.  We must pray daily that our children grow in faith and never wander away from the faith.  We must trust in the Lord and place our children in His tender loving hands

Growing in Grace

I am a Reformed Christian.  "What is that?" or "What does that mean?"  you may ask.  Simply this:  I believe that God chooses whom He will save, and that man has absolutely nothing to do with his own salvation.  I baptize my children in direct obedience to God, believing that the covenant He has with my husband and I also extends to our children.  I know full well that I, in my depraved, sinful ways would have never chosen God.  He chose me to be His child, and he loves and cherishes me.

This is my Coming to Jesus story.

I was born to an unwed, 17-year-old mother in 1991.  She knew that she was unable to care for me, so in a selfless, loving act;  she put me up for adoption.  Through God's grace, I was placed in a wonderful, Christian home.  We were raised in the Baptist church.  At the age of 5, I prayed the "Sinner's Prayer" and received a pin commemorating my salvation day.    At age 7 I was baptized.  I thought I was ok, I was going to heaven now.  I did what everyone expected me to do. I quoted Scripture and parroted all the Christian words I was supposed to say, but it wasn't MY faith.  I was living a lie, because I honestly didn't truly believe.

Fast-forward 9 years.  I was almost 16-years-old.  My family went to church one Sunday, and on the way home my parent's  announced that we were no longer members.  My older brother, father, and mother had recently "discovered" Reformed Theology and were slowly converting.  I didn't care...all I was going to church for was to see my friends.  I became angry at God.  Why did He take away all of my friends?  Why were my parents being so ridiculous?  Who cares about theology?  

On one October day in 2007, I remember being in my room when I suddenly felt this overwhelming feeling of God pulling me towards Him.  I fell to my knees and began to pray.  I confessed my sins, I confessed my living a lie, I confessed my anger at Him, I begged His forgivness for living in His name while not believing in Him.  I could no longer ignore His prodding.  I was His, and it was time I gave my life fully to Him, and to sharing Him with the world.   I felt a feeling of total peace and contentment wash over me.

From that day, I began to grow.  Less than a year later, I was married.  We began attending a Reformed Church of the United States (RCUS) and my knowledge of the Reformed faith grew.  I was learning things all over again, learning about my faith.

Now, 7 years later I am STILL learning!  Lately I have dived into the Word to learn more about the WHY to my faith.  WHY do I believe this?  WHY should I believe this?  HOW can I help others know God and live rightly before Him?  HOW do I share my faith.  I am owning my faith, and loving my God.

My hope and prayer is that through my faith and testimony other will turn to Him, the wonderful Savior;  the Author and Finisher of our faith.  He is God.   He chose me. I am loved by God.  Jesus died on the cross to save ME.  He is in control of everything in the world.  And THAT, my friends, is the most amazing, most comforting thought.

*For more information on Reformed Christianity, please visit Ligonier Ministries