Monday, November 7, 2016

Struggling Through Pain

Well, it happened.  The thing I had been dreading since we lost our little Darcy exactly 2 months ago.  My sweet friend "B"  from church had her baby last week.  I went to our monthly Mom's Bible Study last night and was shocked when I saw the baby!  I hadn't heard that she had had her baby.  The newborn was so beautiful, so perfect!

After our study was done, the baby was being passed around.  I asked to hold her, since I just LOVE babies!  I didn't think I would get as emotional as I did.  My other friend "S" who has miscarried as well,  was standing in front of me, and I think she saw me starting to get overwhelmed with the emotions.

I just lost it.  The tears started falling down my face, and I just couldn't hold it in.  My friend "S"hugged me.  I looked at "B", and said, "I'm sorry!  She is just so beautiful!"

The pain of knowing I would never hold MY baby just came over me.  It wasn't because I resented my friend for having a baby.  It wasn't that I hated the little baby for being there.  It was because even though my arms held a baby, I felt an overwhelming emptiness. 

The best thing that happened was that I felt so loved my all of the moms there.  I didn't feel like they were judging me.  I didn't feel like I had put any of them out.  They loved me, and understood why I was crying.  And my friend "S" had an even deeper understanding because she had gone through the same loss as I had.

I bawled the whole 30 minute drive home.  I was starving, and had originally planned on stopping for food, but I was afraid I'd lose it in the drive thru, and just wanted to get home to my husband.  I got home, found Bram in the living room, and just cried into his chest.  He didn't know why I was crying, but he just held me.  After I had taken a breath;  I told him why, and he hugged me closer and just let me cry.

I'm sure it gets better.  I've heard so many moms who have miscarried say that.  But it has only been 2 months for me.  Election Day (Nov. 8) was the day we were supposed to find out if our baby was a boy or a girl.  It is still fresh and raw in my mind and heart.  It doesn't help that the kids talk about Darcy ALL OF THE TIME, including to random strangers while out and about ("our baby died.").  I know they loved her, and were so heartbroken when she died;  but Mommy would prefer that she wouldn't have to explain her miscarriage to everyone.  F is constantly saying, "We need another baby.  You need another baby in your tummy, Mama!"  I'm sure in years to come it won't be so difficult. 

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."  ~ Psalm 147:3

1 comment:

  1. Yep, it's rough. Lots of emptiness and it seems they are everywhere! Hardest thing for me is actually the baby who was born right when mine would've been born. But it does get easier in general, and since you likely will have more it'll ease then I'm sure. I obviously don't know but I imagine. I don't think it'll ever go completely away though. It's nice that you have a group of ladies who understand, that is something I wish I had (in a way, since I wish no one ever had to lose a baby). Praying for you...just don't feel like you need to rush the grieving process it is your child after all, it's okay to be sad <3