I had a meltdown this afternoon. A nasty, ugly thing that resulted in me clearing off my cluttered, messy counter onto the floor while I wiped large tears of self-pity off of my cheeks. (Stupid, I know...made another big mess to clean up). I was done. I was totally done. I didn't want to be a mom anymore. I was done with the whining, the disobedience, the messes, the destruction...all of it.
I had taken them all to the park this morning. It had a wading pool, and for the hour we were there before eating they all were begging me to go in the pool...non-stop. I kept my cool, and we ate lunch. Then we went to the pool, and were there for about an hour. Everyone pretty much had left (it's a mom's group/playdate thing at church), so I told them to get out and get ready to go. Needless to say, they weren't happy, and L decided he would protest loudly and angrily. *sigh* Amidst the protests and R dipping in the pool twice more...we made it to the van. They all then decided to protest, and beg, and demand to get burgers. I was slowly letting my annoyance show. I stopped at Walmart on the way home for some things, discovered I had left my list at home, and got other things anyway. All they could do was complain and whine, and Mama wasn't having it. So I sent them upstairs to take naps. (Which they didn't do, btw. Just in case you wondered if they were nap angels...) They were whining and playing around banging on things (and Daddy was sleeping so that's a no-no.) So I lost it.
I gave in to my selfish desire to not be a mom. I gave in to the desire for no responsibilities. I gave my frustrations a voice, an out. And it was so ugly. I woke my husband up with my yelling. I made the kids stay upstairs while I cleaned up my mess downstairs. I could have let them outside, but my selfish self didn't want to deal with wet, mud-covered children as I knew they would make a mud pool and get dirty.
Thank the Lord for my husband. He has the ability to talk sense into me. (I suppose that's why God put us together.) He came down and I spilled my woes to him amid angry exclamations and tears. He showed me how selfish I was acting. He revealed to me that I was throwing a fit; the very thing I was frustrated at the kids for doing! I was hesitant to admit my wrong, of course. But I repented, and we finished the day with Spaghetti & Meatballs while watching the new Paddington movie (which was extremely delightful).
When you're feeling overwhelmed, defeated, raw, or just done with motherhood...remember: you are most certainly NOT alone! Every mother, at some point, feels the same way. You repent, you pick yourself up, and you keep going. Motherhood is the most wonderful job on earth, it really is! So, grab your little ones, hold them close and kiss their precious, little faces.
