Honest Thoughts on Miscarriage...

Going through a miscarriage is awful.  It's been 5 months since our baby went to heaven, and it feels like it was yesterday.  Here are some of the things I've been feeling...

1.  How many kids do I tell people I have?

I have 7 children.  But normally, people don't talk about the dead.  My dilemma is that to not include Darcy in my child count feels like I'm saying he/she wasn't a child.  So, most of the time, I say I have 6 kids and 1 in heaven. 

2.  Why do people ask if we are done having kids?

It's like, "oh your baby died, so you're done now, right?"  Or maybe it's because we have 6 living children and people think that's 4 too many.  I'm not sure what makes people ask us that.  I am not sure how I feel about it, either.  I'm used to it as people asked us this before we lost our baby.  *shrug*

3.  Do I want to get pregnant again?

I've been struggling with this one alot lately.  Some days I feel like my depression would lessen if I got pregnant soon.  And then I think that if I did get pregnant, I'd worry and freak at every little thing. I guess we'll get to that if God gives us another one.

4.  It hurts when friends have babies/announce pregnancies

I'm not going to lie...it hurts alot when friends have their babies or announce their pregnancies.  Not because I'm jealous, or because I'm not happy for them...but because it is just something that I'm supposed to be experiencing right now, and I'm not.  My sister is overdue with my niece at this very moment, and I am so super excited for her arrival!  

5.  Church is hard.

Sundays are mixed emotion days for me.  I love to sit in my Dad's class about the Covenants!  Service is different, because I'm surrounded by moms and newborns and it occasionally overwhelms me.  

6.  It has brought my faith into focus.

I have never needed the Lord as much as I do now.  (well, I have always needed the Lord, but you know what I mean.)  Honestly, I would probably be unable to function if I wasn't a child of God.  I have my bad days, but I know that He is and will always be there for me.  He has used music as a way of healing for me.  (I've always been a music person.)  A few songs that help me on the bad days are:   Thy Will by Hillary Scott, Trust in You by Lauren Daigle, and Eye of the Storm by Ryan Stevenson.  Thy Will was written by Hillary Scott after she had a miscarriage, so that one is especially dear to me.

Struggling Through Pain

Well, it happened.  The thing I had been dreading since we lost our little Darcy exactly 2 months ago.  My sweet friend "B"  from church had her baby last week.  I went to our monthly Mom's Bible Study last night and was shocked when I saw the baby!  I hadn't heard that she had had her baby.  The newborn was so beautiful, so perfect!

After our study was done, the baby was being passed around.  I asked to hold her, since I just LOVE babies!  I didn't think I would get as emotional as I did.  My other friend "S" who has miscarried as well,  was standing in front of me, and I think she saw me starting to get overwhelmed with the emotions.

I just lost it.  The tears started falling down my face, and I just couldn't hold it in.  My friend "S"hugged me.  I looked at "B", and said, "I'm sorry!  She is just so beautiful!"

The pain of knowing I would never hold MY baby just came over me.  It wasn't because I resented my friend for having a baby.  It wasn't that I hated the little baby for being there.  It was because even though my arms held a baby, I felt an overwhelming emptiness. 

The best thing that happened was that I felt so loved my all of the moms there.  I didn't feel like they were judging me.  I didn't feel like I had put any of them out.  They loved me, and understood why I was crying.  And my friend "S" had an even deeper understanding because she had gone through the same loss as I had.

I bawled the whole 30 minute drive home.  I was starving, and had originally planned on stopping for food, but I was afraid I'd lose it in the drive thru, and just wanted to get home to my husband.  I got home, found Bram in the living room, and just cried into his chest.  He didn't know why I was crying, but he just held me.  After I had taken a breath;  I told him why, and he hugged me closer and just let me cry.

I'm sure it gets better.  I've heard so many moms who have miscarried say that.  But it has only been 2 months for me.  Election Day (Nov. 8) was the day we were supposed to find out if our baby was a boy or a girl.  It is still fresh and raw in my mind and heart.  It doesn't help that the kids talk about Darcy ALL OF THE TIME, including to random strangers while out and about ("our baby died.").  I know they loved her, and were so heartbroken when she died;  but Mommy would prefer that she wouldn't have to explain her miscarriage to everyone.  F is constantly saying, "We need another baby.  You need another baby in your tummy, Mama!"  I'm sure in years to come it won't be so difficult. 

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."  ~ Psalm 147:3

Leaning on Him Through the Difficult Days Ahead

With broken hearts, we have to tell you all that our precious 7th baby was taken up to heaven to be with God.

I had some bleeding and pain in church on Sunday, and by 9:00pm, I had miscarried.  I cannot tell you how heartbreaking it was.  How painful, physically and emotionally, it is to birth your child that is no bigger than a prune.  We have chosen the name, Darcy Bubbles, as her name.  Our older children are convinced it was a girl, and deep down, I feel she was a girl as well.  I was surrounded by my wonderful Mother-in-law, Husband, and loving Parents throughout the process; and had a beautiful visit from my amazing friend, Janelle.

I ended up being kept in the hospital overnight due to a continued allergic reaction to the pain med they had me on.  I passed out once.  I was able to go home the next afternoon.  I am still in a lot of pain; taking pain meds every 4 hours.

The hardest part was having to tell my super-excited children that Bubbles was not coming home;  that she is in heaven with Jesus.  They were devastated.  They loved Darcy SO SO much, and were looking forward to meeting her and loving on her.

We were able to take her body home, and we will bury her with us.  My husband found a beautiful headstone for our little Darcy.

We know heaven is a better place for Darcy.  We know that the Lord had a reason, a purpose for taking Darcy so soon.  He loves Darcy just as much as we do.  This was not a punishment for something we did.  This was not a twisted joke He decided to play on us.  He made a covenant with Bram and I when we became a family, and He tells us that that covenant extends to our children.  We have hope and faith that when our time comes, we will see our little Darcy again.  What a day of rejoicing that will be!