Going through a miscarriage is awful. It's been 5 months since our baby went to heaven, and it feels like it was yesterday. Here are some of the things I've been feeling...
1. How many kids do I tell people I have?
I have 7 children. But normally, people don't talk about the dead. My dilemma is that to not include Darcy in my child count feels like I'm saying he/she wasn't a child. So, most of the time, I say I have 6 kids and 1 in heaven.
2. Why do people ask if we are done having kids?
It's like, "oh your baby died, so you're done now, right?" Or maybe it's because we have 6 living children and people think that's 4 too many. I'm not sure what makes people ask us that. I am not sure how I feel about it, either. I'm used to it as people asked us this before we lost our baby. *shrug*
3. Do I want to get pregnant again?
I've been struggling with this one alot lately. Some days I feel like my depression would lessen if I got pregnant soon. And then I think that if I did get pregnant, I'd worry and freak at every little thing. I guess we'll get to that if God gives us another one.
4. It hurts when friends have babies/announce pregnancies
I'm not going to lie...it hurts alot when friends have their babies or announce their pregnancies. Not because I'm jealous, or because I'm not happy for them...but because it is just something that I'm supposed to be experiencing right now, and I'm not. My sister is overdue with my niece at this very moment, and I am so super excited for her arrival!
5. Church is hard.
Sundays are mixed emotion days for me. I love to sit in my Dad's class about the Covenants! Service is different, because I'm surrounded by moms and newborns and it occasionally overwhelms me.
6. It has brought my faith into focus.
I have never needed the Lord as much as I do now. (well, I have always needed the Lord, but you know what I mean.) Honestly, I would probably be unable to function if I wasn't a child of God. I have my bad days, but I know that He is and will always be there for me. He has used music as a way of healing for me. (I've always been a music person.) A few songs that help me on the bad days are: Thy Will by Hillary Scott, Trust in You by Lauren Daigle, and Eye of the Storm by Ryan Stevenson. Thy Will was written by Hillary Scott after she had a miscarriage, so that one is especially dear to me.
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